I couldn't sleep last night. Trying to get use to my new surroundings is difficult. And this morning I yearned for some coffee. I wish I could go to Starbucks and get a real Frappuccino, but alas, didn't quite have the time. So I settled on a bottle one. I get all the way to the cafertia, (which is only on the 2nd floor of my building) and they are out of Mocha. In my desperation to make my day better and my head feel right, I grabbed a Vanilla. And you know what, it just isn't the same thing. Doesn't quite feel the same and it's really no substitute for a Mocha.

Which brings me to today's rant. Substitutions. When you were in school a substitute teacher never really filled your teacher's shoes. That's how I feel about people. Until I get use to my current situation, a substitute just isn't going to do. I want the real thing. Like Coca-cola. A Diet Coke just isn't going to hit the spot. And lately, I haven't had much Turkey on Wheat and that along with the fact that I haven't see a Dutch Master in a few days and all these "sudden" bills are driving me crazy! I don't feel like dealing with life right now. I just want to take a nap and a vacation from reality. There are no vacations from your present state of mind. This isn't the matrix. And being that I could never bring myself to use any hardcore drugs, I'm stuck in this reality. I feel like pulling my hair out. Because no matter what happens, I'm going to be hurt. It's like do you want to die by fire or ice. You die faster by fire but it hurts like hell. Or you die slower by ice and don't feel as much. Who knows. How do you choose? There is no third scenario. No one asked you if you wanted to die by firing squad. It's not one of your options. That's how I feel. Like I have no say so or control on whether or not I get hurt. Is life better or worse without that person? Maybe that's the ultimate question. Maybe I need to realize that you have to deal with life the way it is. And maybe this will work and maybe it won't. That's reality. It's time to deal with it.