"Another Day, Another Dollar"

I often find it easier to post my thoughts on my blog cause folks read it on Facebook and get in they feelings and wonder if it's about them... sooooo....I publish it on here where fewer will see it.

As I woke up this morning to another task thoughts rushed through my mind... And the number one thought was dedication...Yes I'm dedicated to my business and my talent, but I'm also dedicated to me. Because I have obligations to fulfill. So no, I really can't go out every single weekend... And no, I do have to skip the fun because I'm on a quest... See I refuse to go back to a 9 to 5 and if that means sewing all weekend only stopping to eat and rest, then so be it.

Funny how folks look down upon me cause they catch me napping... I mean really though. I often work all night so the rest is just a side affect of the work. I don't sleep the day away, but I do get sleepy through the day and yes I do nap. Lately I'm finding that I'm always tired. I think my sleep patterns are all screwed up... Who knows. But every day to me is an opportunity to enhance my savings so work I must.

No shade to those who choose to party after they get off work, or work once or twice a week, or go to school and come home and sleep... I don't judge those people, but don't think because I'm napping that I don't do shit all day and I'm just sitting around watching the time go by... Ummmm if that was the case, there would be no cable, no electricity, no food, and no house to live in. So I must be doing something cause I don't have a nine to five... duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite!

Okay so I'm watching the news the other day and they were speaking of how Bed Bug Rates are surging! And I was having this discussion with MMB on just how they come about. Bed bugs are outside bugs and they can attach to your clothing. So when you come home and head straight to your bed, then "TAAAAAAAAADAAAAAA" they get in your bed. So then I proceeded to tell MMB that I have never ever in my natural born life seen them or had them and then I started to remember.

When I was younger, my mother and father, just like so many mothers and fathers, use to stress just how important it was to remove your outside clothing, and take a shower before you got in your bed...And... she use to fuss at you if you sat on her bed with your clothes on.... Hmmmmm..... How bout when I was younger, I thought it was just another reason to fuss... Never thought it made any sense.

Which brings me to today's rant. There are soooo many things that your parents and your elders told you when you was young that never ever made any sense to you. And some will never probably make sense. But in the end, most of the time, they were right. Damn! As an adult, we sometimes hate to admit that our parents were right! No one likes to believe an old soul! If I had a dollar for every time both my parents were right I would probably be a semi-rich woman. As a woman, I have to admit my faults, as much as I hate to!

I have had a full life, I guess, but there is still so much more for me to learn. It seems hard to think that GOD intended for us to learn all of life's lessons in one lifetime! Hmmmm...Maybe all the things that our parents told us is supposed to make up for the rest of things that we just will never have the time to learn on our own!

I posted my last blog from my cell phone. Felt like Reverend Run and when he blogs from the tub... With that being said, my rant today is about time... And how it passes so quickly...Seems like yesterday I just graduated from College and I was wide eyed and bushy tailed and dreaming of some great future... And somehow, someway, didn't turn out like that... and all I can do is ponder...

Why? What made me end up like this? People are only but so strong... And personally I really don't think that I deal with heartbreak the best way... I just have a tendency to put up another wall. I was talking to MMB today about how I'm just not that close to my parents. I mean they weren't bad parents, but they had issues... Who doesn't? But to this day I just don't have a bond. Maybe I should. But it just isn't there. To be honest, a lot of things just aren't there! Woosah!

When I was younger, my dad explained to me just how important hard work was. And I took that and ran with it. That's because it was the only thing that I could rely on. Work hard, get paid, go to sleep, and wake up and do it all over again. There wasn't much disappointment in work. But life, well... That's a whole different blog. And quite honestly I neither the time nor inclination to write a biography right now.

Let's just say it's not human nature to be alone. It's not rite for your heart to ache! But in the end, all I can do is laugh, smile, and pretend that work is enough to sustain a beautiful mind. It's the only thing that has kept me sane.

Its 8:30 in the am and I have had 3 hours of sleep and Im officially tired. I think about all the self sacrifice and wonder if its all worth it? Is the career choice I made the smartest? Most financially sound? Will it ensure retirement at an early age? Most likely no! Its hella hard work, sleepless nights, and aching body parts. Idk if thats what I had in mind when I was six and wanted to be a fashion designer. But now Im in this life wondering just how imma get it all done. Its so much for one person. I guess its worth it.

Sitting here on a Saturday morning sewing and I'm thinking so much about all the things people say I shouldn't worry about. When you are young, people say, awww don't worry about marriage, and a mate... You won't be single for long, you are beautiful... Hmmm? Is 37 years supposed to be a long amount of time, or short? I'm confused...

People say don't worry about having more kids, you have plenty of time for that. But what is plenty of time,when the average woman will have complications having children after the age of 35.

I'm sorry to be so concerned about my biological clock. According to the world I shouldn't be. But it that's the case then why is everyone so desperately looking for love, marriage, and baby carriages?... Just a thought.

And then there is the ancient cliche that says, when you are looking for love, you will never find it. I guess that's true... every relationship I had was actually unintentional... But how do you even begin to "look" for someone. And why do people actually assume that I'm looking for a man, just because I'm single, or want to be in a relationship. Do they mean, I welcome love into my life, or do they mean I'm some sort of Cougar on a prowl??? I don't go to singles bars or clubs, or dating networks or dating services??? So how am I "looking" for love??? I'm confused now... Let's just say that I'm not opposed to a relationship. But to be honest, I'm so leery of meeting new people that IDK when or if I will ever be in one.

Nobody said that I wasn't confused...LMAO! All I can say is that I'm a diamond in the rough, and it would be nice for somebody to find me and polish me into a beautiful gem.

OMG!

I haven't posted to this blog in ages...So much has transpired in my life... I don't know where to begin... Maybe from where I left off... Wasted damn near 3 years of my life on somebody that wasn't worth 5 minutes of it, let alone 2.5 years. But we all have to go through dumb shit like that... It's life... and evidence that we are still walking on this Earth.

On a business note, I finally stopped working a 9 to 5 and concentrated on working for me...Ahhhhh the splendor of self-employment! It's wonderful. I can truly appreciate those who work from themselves! It's truly an adventure. I wonder about those who dont. Hmmmm....

I've gotten to know some wonderful people these last few years...And I thank GOD everyday for them. Life is far to short to not recognize those that have made such a beautiful impact on your life... So to Gee, I say... thanks for reading!

Sometimes I hate being me...

Listening to Al Green trying to decide what in the world I'm going to do with my life. Gotta pick up pieces and start all over again... Or at least that's what it feels like. Reality can be a real b sometimes.

All I've ever been good at is work... I grind real hard... Always used work to mask how I really felt inside. Always pushed hurt and pain aside and focused in on work. That's good sometimes... But at the end of the day... The hurt is still right there in front of your face. There when you wake up. There when you go to bed... There when you try to work. Hard to get away from pain. Everybody deals with it differently. Some accept it, bounce back and keep it moving. Some ignore it.. hoping it will get better.

I still don't quite know how to accept it. It's one of those things in life that is so necessary, but so unwelcomed. So at night... I toss and turn... not knowing how to deal with the grief... Trying to deal with the reality of the situation. The only way I know how... Work... But it's so hard to concentrate on what you have to do when you're fighting tears.

I have to be strong. But real talk... sometimes I just wish I could go into one of those padded rooms and stare at white walls all day and not have to deal with life. Unfortunately, that's not one of my options. My only option is to keep it moving...No matter how much I cry the night before. No matter how much I toss and turn. The sun rises the next morning. And with that sun comes my day along with all my responsibilities.

I curse my father for forcing me to be a grinder. I wish I didn't hear the sound of air guns in the morning. I wish that he would've loved me more instead of forcing me to be so damn independent. I curse my mother for being so strong and never letting anyone get to her. I curse the man that raped me for making my outer shell so tough and my heart so weak. I curse my son for not hating me. For being able to understand me since the moment he was born. And for forgiving me even when I was soooo mean. I curse my sister for always being there and never letting me down. I curse all these people because they make up me... And sometimes I hate being me!