Sometimes I feel like I'm on another level...
Not a higher one or lower one, just a different one. And to be frank, I haven't met too many men that are on the same level. I yearn for that creative and honest brother. Every time I meet one, he disappears. Maybe he can't face his creativity yet. Most people can't. It's hard to explain that being creative is the cousin of being insane. Most folks just can't relate. Most artists have a bit of insanity in them. It's the drive and the constant grinding. After a while, you don't know what it's like to be normal anymore. It's like every one that is not doing what you are doing are the crazy ones. It's like what do you mean you sleep at night? And how come you don't work all day everyday? And you actually get to eat at a reasonable hour? We live in a world where the creative people are somehow quarantined. Like we have the plague. The creative plague. FYI people, it isn't contagious. Either you have it or you don't. Question is, when will you realize it?

Usually I don't cross my rant page with my EVOCATIVE! blogger. Simply because my rant page is just for me, just for Jeri to vent out all her frustrations. But lately, 110603 has been on my mind very heavy. And it becomes the subject of today's rant. I've made clothes for 15 years now and ever since 1990 I have at least one fashion show a year. I've participated in more. And what has become a staple in my life is now becoming a stress in my life. And I have a feeling, it shouldn't be that. Every year the collection gets bigger and the reason behind gets more and more profound. And what use to be a separate entity of my life is now an ever growing part of me. Attached at my side, right next to my child, is a living breathing intergral part of me. My dream... Has some how become a being, waiting to receive love, nourishment and care. And once again, I've become the third most important thing in my life. I haven't been number one ever, but I dropped down to third when my son was born. And third place is a bronze metal, but still it's hard. Now I know you think that all of this is voluntary and I can just stop being creative, and EVOCATIVE! can just go away. But it's never been that. Even when it was named something else. My creativity in ingrained within me. And to not express myself would surely kill me. Both emotionally and physically. All creative people need an outlet. If not, their creativity will kill them. You cannot be what you are not, and you cannot hide your true desires. I envy those who have no creativity and who know nothing of fallen dreams and broken hearts. I envy those who say when I get home from work, I watch TV... What??? I can do that to, but the guilt comes shortly after that.

Ever since I can remember, I've always had this dream. At age six I started sewing and I've never stopped. To me making clothes and sewing was my creative outlet and now it's a crutch. One that boosts my spirit and kills my energy, all in one swoop... It's overwhelming, but a blessing.

"I'm tired today"...


Very very sleepy. Yes I need a nap. I'm leaving work early today, maybe I can catch some z's before I have to pick up my son. Good luck to me! All I need is a good 45 minutes... Why is it when you get old, sleep is sooooooo good! A friend of mine said that when people die, you shouldn't be sad for them. Simply because they been busting they ass all they life, dealing with all kinds of work and sleep deprivation, now they finally get to rest. He said we should be happy for them. I think I would probably die with a smile on my face. Because I finally get to sleep in peace. Seriously though, I'm not rushing death, just making an analogy. It was Edgar Allen Poe, and then Nas that said that sleep is the cousin of death. Which might explain why Edgar eventually went crazy... Can't live without sleep. But unfortunately, I do go too many nights without it. I guess because sometimes I'm scared I'm not gonna wake up. And sometimes, I just don't have time to sleep. I only fall asleep when my body makes me go...In fact, I hate hospitals and getting put to sleep. That is the scariest sleep ever. No dreams, or memories of falling asleep. It's like artificial. I guess I have sleep anxieties. Maybe I should see a doctor... Scared to. I'm afraid they'll put me on sleeping pills. And my son appears to have insomnia too. Will it never end...