Sitting here listening to Donny Hathaway and reflecting upon life. And if you don't know who Donny Hathaway is then well I feel sorry for you... Donny always had a way of putting life into perspective... More then Al, Marvin or Otis... Well maybe not Otis, but if you're a fan, you know what I'm talking about. Never quite knew anyone that could sing a song like Donny. There are no more Donny Hathaways, or Marvin Gayes, or Al Greenes... Just don't make artists like that no more.

On a personal note... To those that read this blogger, you should know that my emotions go up and down. Part of being a woman and being human. Emotionally I flip-flop. Maybe that's because I'm torn. Some people don't talk about their problems. I guess I'm not one of those people. I have to talk about it. I have to get opinions and other's people feelings. That doesn't mean I'm not going to make my own decisions. It just means that I need to talk about what is troubling me... It keeps me sane. It must keep a lot of people sane, there are a lot of therapists out there.

So lets talk people. And if you don't want to listen, just close out of this page. Significant others... Hmmmm.... I don't think I have one of those. Well at least not in the traditional sense. Don't have a husband or boyfriend, but I do have a best friend. One that I call whenever I'm down, one that I talk to about the ups and downs of life. And when things aren't right with that person, well it feels like my life has turned upside down. And right now, shit just isn't right. And no matter how much I try to talk it out with him, it's not getting any better. And the reality of the situation is that I might just have to say goodbye. It's not what I want, but sometimes in life you gotta do what you don't want to do.

A lot of people don't understand my motivation. But sometimes folks just get underneath your skin. And eventhough you really don't need that person, you do need them. You need their approval, their love, their affection, their understanding and sometimes you just need their presence.

And because things aren't going right, well I find myself reflecting a lot. Thinking just what happened, and thinking how can I make things right. But maybe there is no making it right. All things must come to an end. And maybe it's our time to come to that end. Hell we had 6 years. Maybe our season has ended.

Thats a shame. Because sometimes you feel like you only get one person that stirs your soul like no other. And I'll be honest. He was my one person. (If you believe that sort of thing)

Why is it that when I really need to post something blogger goes down? So here we are again with what appears to be 2 posts in one day. Just know it isn't and that I really need to get this off my chest. So forgive me if it seems hypocritical.

Fuck it...

I can only push but so far and I can only give but so much. And since you don't want me, I have no choice but to say fuck it. I wish you all the happiness in the world, but you have pushed me to the point of no return. So I'm out. Heart, mind and soul, I'm out. I can't cry no more. There is no more to talk about or discuss. I'm not going to stop being your friend, but I have a lot to reconsider because obviously you don't know how to be a friend. I do feel hurt and betrayed because I gave you everything I had and then some. I opened my heart and my home to you and what do I get in return? A big fuck you. Yes you are important to me, I'm not going to lie to save face. But in the end, it's only me and since this shit is hurting me, I have no choice but to do me. So if you wanna leave, leave. And why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? I have a feeling that you're leaving anyway, so it is what it is. I do have one question. And it is a bit rhetorical. Why do people treat you like shit and then get hurt when you walk away? Then when they realize you are gone, they get upset. What did you expect? But you never miss your water until your well runs dry. Such is life. And just because I said I will always be your friend doesn't mean that I have to deal with this bullshit. I'm out. And I hope you have a good life.

Priorities...

You know in life we tend to think that everything is so damn important. But in the scheme of things, a lot of those things are insignificant. When I came to the realization that I may lose my sunshine, well dang! I was hurt. Now don't get me wrong, I might still lose my sunshine, but all I can do is let him know just how much he means to me. And if he leaves, then he leaves. I'll be honest though, it would hurt like hell! That's my sunshine.

And when faced with the threat of cloudy days, well, my outlook on a lot of things changed. He and I had this interesting conversation today. We talked about just what it was that made me sabotage my relationships. Most people do. Something about self worth and self esteem...

I think we all get caught up in this "I should have because they have world". You know what I mean ladies. I should have a husband because she has a husband. I should have 2.5 kids, cause they got 2.5 kids. Damnit! life is too short and you can only deal with what God gives you. The life you have is the life you have. And some times you think that your life is shitty until the unthinkable occurs. And then all of a sudden you realize, I would give everything I have if I was just in this person's life again. We often realize that too late. We often put our priorities in the wrong place.

I lost a friend of mine last October. And you know what, he use to get on my nerves to no end. And I would shake my head, cuss and fuss, and think he was a nuisance. But in the end, he was my friend. And I miss him dearly. If I only knew that my time with him on this Earth would be short, maybe I would’ve had different priorities. We are not promised tomorrow people. No where does it say you are going to wake up in the morning. And the reality of life is eventually you will die. I don't want to live my life anymore with regrets. I wanna love too much, not worry too much. I don't want to wake up in the morning and regret not speaking my mind or sharing my heart with someone.

When I was faced with losing someone, my priorities changed. And who knows, I might still lose that person. But if I do, I won't regret the fact that I tried to make it work.