I will never be at peace with death. Don't know why. Maybe that's why I hate being alone. Maybe I'm afraid of facing death alone. Who knows. Ever since I was a child, I was incredibly afraid of death and it really got worse when I was pregnant with my son. All of a sudden I began to realize my own mortality. And yes I've probably posted this blog or something similar to it a thousand times, but it's a topic that weighs heavily on my mind and my heart. In this lifetime, what will I be remembered for? Will I really make a mark on society? Who will I become? What will my son become? What contribution will I make to this world? I can't answer none of these. Maybe I'm scared of dying because I love life so much. And yes I do get depressed from time to time, but I cherish every moment I have on this Earth for it's not promised. I could live forever if I was presented with that option. But in the end, all things must die. Whether they are leaves on trees or bees on flowers, every living thing must die. If no one died, then no one could live. It's ironic that life always has a way of recreating. When I die, I don't want anyone to mourn me but to celebrate my life. Hopefully I can find the answer to all the questions of life.

Sitting here listening to Coltrane and remembering Camden and the summer I spent there. Never wanting to come home. It seemed like it was yesterday but in reality it was so long ago. Not one thing would I change about that summer. I remember coming home only to go back 3 days later....I also remember crying when I went back to college for it would be a long time before I saw you again...They say hindsight is always 20/20. We can always say what would've been the best thing to do, but at the time, well... I wasn't the person I am now. I've grown up so much. I'm a mother now and a business woman... I just wish for one minute that I knew then what I knew now. Maybe we would've been a family, maybe we would have been so happy. But deep down inside I believe that I had to go through all the things that I went through. It made me a better person. Maybe you had to go through all you went through. Maybe you didn't realize how much you loved me until it was too late.

I didn't want that summer to end... I miss that hot house and sitting you watch cut hair all day...I miss walking to the corner store to eat...I miss meeting all those people and the laughs we shared. I miss your brothers and your sisters...For eventhough they didn't know me, they treated me like family. Sometimes I felt like because you had no kids that I was your baby. Haven't really met too many people that spoiled me so much. No matter what, I will always remember that summer and I will always remember how much you meant to me. Maybe there is a future for us, but if not, then know that I will always love you.

And so it begins...Work, work, work and deadlines. And while this is an all too familiar scene, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Every year I swear I'm going to be more organized then the year before, but in reality, it's just like BIG said, mo money mo problems. The contracts get bigger and the work load grows. With Business comes more business... The flip side of all that business is lack of sleep and increase of irritability... But don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I just saw Hustle and Flow not too long ago.... Okay, I know I'm late. I don't go to the movies much. So I definitely wont see it until it comes on DVD. What triggered this blog was the fact that Terence Howard was nominated for an academy award. Well we all know that he would never have gotten it, but his performance turned an everyday MTV film to something worthy of an Oscar nomination. I don't think too many actors could've owned the part of DeeJay quite like Howard.

As far as the content of the film, it was raw, edgy and quite dirty. It spit reality far and wide to mainstream America. And while every rapper out here may have not been a pimp, almost all of them have the same exact hard living story. Hard living is an everyday thing in Black America. It's reality and just something that we have grown accustomed to.

I learned when I was a child that we were more fortunate then a lot of people. We didn't live in a better neighborhood or drive better cars or wear better clothes. We just had two parents that gave a fuck! Both me and my sister were smart in school and had a drive. A drive to do something with ourselves and not be like everyone else. I don't know where that came from, but it definitely was a staple in our childhood. And while I took the artistic side of life and she took the business side of life, I still think we turned out pretty good.

I related to Hustle and Flow not because I'm a pimp, a ho, a black woman, a rapper, or a DJ... I related to Hustle and Flow because I'm a hustla. And I know what it means to want something so bad that you damn near kill yourself to get it. And until you've walked a mile in my shoes, or been up all night with me, or know what's it like to break out in hives cause you so tired. If you've been at work and just cried because you know that no matter what you weren't getting sleep no time soon. If you've dreamed at night of just having your own business and not having a boss. If you've worked so hard that you don't remember the last time you ate or showered, or what day of the week it is. If none of these apply to you, don't judge me. If they do, then you can relate to me cause your a hustla.