You are BORING! Everything about you is boring... Your conversation, your company, your presence, your sex... Boring, Boring, Boring! But for some strange reason, I find comfort in the boredom. And I'm so very attracted to you. There's something calming about you. And the relaxation that I feel when I'm around you is so intimate. Maybe you remind me of my father. Stern, calm, and well to be honest, boring. To be frank, I'm not an exciting person. My life is pretty routine. Work, work, work, take care of my son, and work. I enjoy my time with you because it's not work. I like to sit around and do nothing with you. I like to watch TV or lay around with you. I look forward to being with you just so I can lay my head on your chest and have you play in my hair. I love to hear you talk about your day and your dreams. I love to hear you fall asleep, you sound so peaceful. When we spend time together, it feels endless. And when I don't talk to you I feel like something is missing from my day. I guess I got use to you. And I look forward to being bored.

I'm on a weight loss kick. For those of you that don't know, I started a diet in November. So far I lost 18 pounds. Yeah it could've been more, but ummmm I like to eat. I love bacon and the occasional piece of birthday cake. Yes salads are good, but sometimes you get soooo tired of salads. I lost weight once before around 3 years ago. More a drastic weight loss then this time. And yeah I looked great, but damn I was starving. Not this time. Weight loss is an individual thing. What works for one person, may not work for another. I don't try to give advice cause I hate it when folks try to give theirs. I know what I have to do to lose weight. I'll lose it. Plus losing more then 2 pounds in one week is just not healthy. Primarily because you lose a lot of muscle and you are more prone to gain it back. Dieting is only a temporary solution. You have to change the way you eat permanently. Well at least that's the only thing that works for me. To anyone trying to accomplish a goal, remember this, only you can prevent yourself from not succeeding. If you tried your best, then who cares what anyone else thinks. Because ultimately it's your goal and you have to live with yourself.

I remember that skylight and hoping and praying the bright sun wouldn't wake me up... No matter how high the AC was, the heat of the morning always interrupted my sleep. I also remember looking up at the huge "school" clock and hoping the time was wrong. I didn't want to wake up and go to work. If I was lucky, I just got to sleep at around 5, then I would have to wake back up at 7. Even though I was exhausted, I miss those days. I've learned in life that you have to let some things go. All you have are the memories. It'll be 2 years in July. 2 years since I've known you and 2 years of us being on and off again friends. Now I think, it's leaning more towards off. I've moved on. Not too anyone or anything. Just moved on, and growing complacent with us not being in each other's lives anymore. I guess I'm a better person now. I've learned a great deal from that heartbreak. People are human beings with ever changing thoughts and emotions. And while I still don't understand where you went to, I do understand that you will never come back. I enjoyed the stress-free environment and the little tiny piece of heaven. No kids, no needy friends, no clients, no phone calls, no emails, no worries. And while just being around you was enough to satisfy me, now well, it takes a mighty big person to satisfy that need. In 2 years, my life has grown 2 times more complex and 2 times more busy. And the hustle and bustle that irritated you about me has magnified. No wonder we couldn't be friends anymore. You probably couldn't keep up. My daily schedule alone is enough to drive normal folks insane. I guess it's meant for me to be somewhere else in life. Underneath someone else's skylight. Cuddled up in somebody else's bed. Breathing someone else's being. And yes I fell in love, but you know what...Being in love with you has left a bad taste in my mouth. It's not a road I would walk down again. Well at least not anytime soon.

I had a baby by a knuckle-head. I'm not ashamed to admit it. People make mistakes. And that's always one mistake I will always regret. However, sometimes I don't regret it, because my son is here. I can't bring myself to regret having my child. Yes I do wish things were different, and I do wish my son's father acted more like a real man. But, I can't make him be a man. He's a needy individual and unfortunately it's taking him a while to grow up.

He grew tired of our relationship. Oh well. He's a human being and love isn't a guaranteed thing, so now what? He's mean to me. And all he ever does, along with his stuck up family, is talk about me. Talk about how I raise my son, how I dress my son, who I have around my son, how I'm no good, etc... Now maybe if he and his family lifted a finger to help me raise my son, I wouldn't mind their opinions. But they don't. And since he doesn't want to assume the responsibility of not being in his son's life, he blames me. Says how fucked up I am. How bout he needs to stay out of jail long enough to go to more then two of my son's birthday parties. Damn my son will be six this year, and his father still isn't around. And while I really don't give two fucks about his jail career and whether or not he makes anything of his life, we do have a son together. A son that deserves a father.

I could care less about child support. Yes the financial assistance would be helpful, but to be honest, that'll be just one more thing he can hang over my head. He can keep his money. If he ever gets any. Just do right by my child. I didn't make him alone, why in the hell am I taking care of him alone.

And yes I am bitter. I will probably never find Mr. Right or the man that's meant for me. And no that's not anyone's fault. That's just the way it is. 33 years on this Earth, I have learned at least this one thing. To be realistic. No knights in shining armor, no prince charmings, no Mr. Rights, no eternal loves, no husbands. Just me and my son.

And lately, I have been angry. Angry because I think I deserve better then what I'm getting. But sometimes you have to settle in life. I guess I have to settle on being a single mother, and living the rest of my life alone.