Children are wonderful creatures. They are so innocent and funny! They are beautiful and joyful. I miss my son. He's staying with his dad for a while, and yes the break is welcome, but I do miss his little hands and his little feet. I miss all the questions and him playing his video games. He'll be 7 this year. Wow, did that go by fast or what??? Infact, this year is going by fast. And it's been a good year so far. Not knowing the future can be a challenge. But I'm looking forward to it. I can only hope that things work out for the best. I'm excited at the prospect of things being lovely. I deserve for things to work out in my favor!!!

I couldn't sleep last night. Trying to get use to my new surroundings is difficult. And this morning I yearned for some coffee. I wish I could go to Starbucks and get a real Frappuccino, but alas, didn't quite have the time. So I settled on a bottle one. I get all the way to the cafertia, (which is only on the 2nd floor of my building) and they are out of Mocha. In my desperation to make my day better and my head feel right, I grabbed a Vanilla. And you know what, it just isn't the same thing. Doesn't quite feel the same and it's really no substitute for a Mocha.

Which brings me to today's rant. Substitutions. When you were in school a substitute teacher never really filled your teacher's shoes. That's how I feel about people. Until I get use to my current situation, a substitute just isn't going to do. I want the real thing. Like Coca-cola. A Diet Coke just isn't going to hit the spot. And lately, I haven't had much Turkey on Wheat and that along with the fact that I haven't see a Dutch Master in a few days and all these "sudden" bills are driving me crazy! I don't feel like dealing with life right now. I just want to take a nap and a vacation from reality. There are no vacations from your present state of mind. This isn't the matrix. And being that I could never bring myself to use any hardcore drugs, I'm stuck in this reality. I feel like pulling my hair out. Because no matter what happens, I'm going to be hurt. It's like do you want to die by fire or ice. You die faster by fire but it hurts like hell. Or you die slower by ice and don't feel as much. Who knows. How do you choose? There is no third scenario. No one asked you if you wanted to die by firing squad. It's not one of your options. That's how I feel. Like I have no say so or control on whether or not I get hurt. Is life better or worse without that person? Maybe that's the ultimate question. Maybe I need to realize that you have to deal with life the way it is. And maybe this will work and maybe it won't. That's reality. It's time to deal with it.

Yes I moved and I'm trying to get adjusted. Home still doesn't quite feel like home, but it's getting better. Moving into a house was a big step for me. It can be overwhelming, but it's gonna get better. Well at least I hope. I'm nervous about things. I guess that's because I don't know the future and how things are going to work. But I'm going to try and take it day by day. It's all I can do. My life has changed so much in a year. I guess things are actually going to work for me. Or at least I hope they do...